INFJs and the Elusive Difficulties of Simple Pleasures

This blog started with a Twitter exchange: https://twitter.com/SciCheerGopher/status/505690250539442176

The basic problem seems to be that people of a certain temperament--say, INFJs--have a problem just letting things be and enjoying simple pleasures. Pick one: being with family, walking on the beach, having a quiet meal with friends. Are such things simple? It depends on how you look at them, and that's the point.

What does an introverted-intuitive-feeling-judging person do in times of quiet enjoyment? Absorb the moment. It's our default response. We don't say a lot. Instead, we observe what's going on around us, to differing degrees and with different emphases, depending on the individual. Some focus on remembering the details of faces, some of conversations, some of the thoughts or feelings or sensations we have while in the moment. For the INFJ, the details are part of the moment. We collect such complex "simple" pleasures because it's our nature to do so.

That's not to say we can't enjoy our quiet or simple moments; we just have a lot going on inside. If you see someone whose personality you know to be an INFJ and they have a quiet smile on their face, just let them enjoy. You might ask them, "What are you thinking?" but while their hard drive is crunching a lot of data at that moment, they might say something simple like, "I'm just happy."

The System is Not Set Up for Introverts, Reconsidered

The recent public shaming of several public figures has brought to mind several aspects of the culture that irritate me as an introvert. The internet is merely exacerbating behaviors I didn't like as a kid. Below are a few more reasons why the internet-fueled media culture is not set up with introverts in mind.

• Sharing comments originally intended for one person. Perhaps you've spoken in the heat of the moment, but obviously not intended for the entire world. I'm not going to even speculate on Mr. Sterling's state of mind, for example, but I know that the reason I trust the friends I have is that they don't share my angry comments with everyone. Not saying what Sterling did was right--clearly he's said similar things in the past. That's a discussion for another day. For the moment, let's de-Sterling the conversation and make it about me, you, or someone close to you. Let's say I've said something rather rude, like "I think X is an blankety-blank jerk and I can't stand him." I say this to a friend in confidence, but said friend, for whatever reason, has started recording our conversations and posts my diatribe on YouTube. Or they don't even have to record it; they could just repeat the comment to someone...maybe the subject of the comment himself, creating unnecessary hard feelings with that person and creating embarrassment for me. No, I probably shouldn't have said what I said, but my "friend" probably shouldn't have repeated it, let alone recorded it. That's a level of low that's hard for me to process.
• Ganging up on someone. Are you perfect? Have you said only kind, culturally sensitive, perfectly politically correct words with every single solitary person you've ever met? Never mind, let's cut to the chase: no, you haven't. I haven't. No one has, not even those who decide what's socially appropriate/polite and what's not. So let's say you're better than average and you only slip up once a week or once a month. Take your most obnoxious comment and imagine having it shared with everyone you know. With perfect strangers. Multiply that by a factor of a few hundred million. You know what you did was wrong. Now so does everyone around you, and every self-righteous scold now wants to pile on and tell you how to change your behavior. Or maybe you're not sorry for what you said or did, but you're now surrounded by a lot of people who detest you for it. The loneliest minority in the world is a minority of one, and it becomes nearly impossible to live a normal life with your beliefs intact if you believe that the entire world hates you because of one comment.
• Bringing up old issues. This has been happening in human relationships for hundreds of years. Person A says or does something stupid or hurtful to his or her significant other, and that significant other brings it up in the heat of an argument months or even years later. The internet allows not just Person A to bring it up but anyone who has seen or heard what you did. And the internet never forgets. Years later, decades later, anyone can go back to that moment of ill-timed stupidity and throw it in your face. I read an article recently that brought up the fact that forgetfulness is one of the human attributes that allows us to forgive others and to heal. The internet does not allow anyone to forget and does not allow the perpetrator of social faux pas the right of forgiveness. (Let's assume here that I'm not talking about high crimes and misdemeanors.)
• Always being "on stage." This is a particular pet peeve for introverts. We usually don't enjoy being the center of attention. I write on the internet and usually go out of my way not to post pictures of myself unless I deem it necessary--in fact, I once asked a friend to remove a photo. My standard internet avatar is the gopher armed with a machine gun. And most authors (unless they're major money makers) manage to enjoy a bit of anonymity not possible for actors, actresses, or other media figures, whose faces tend to be everywhere. Different introverts respond to the internet--particularly Facebook--in different ways: 
• Carefully control or limit the amount and type of information shared.
• Create an online "persona" that resembles, but isn't a 100% representation of what the individual is actually thinking.
• Not participate at all.
• 
  Many of my friends take the first approach. My parents take the last approach. I favor the middle approach, where I share humor, opinions, or stories that interest me. However, I usually don't share all my personal information (address, financial status, relationships, etc.) about how I live my daily life. So far as the internet knows, I'm a sarcastic, cerebral introvert with an odd writing career and gopher for an avatar. Is that "me?" Yes and no. I've seen in some places that "You are your data" now, and that anything you do that interacts with a computer is kept somewhere and explains who you are and what you are like. The internet is gratifyingly free of Bart Leahy-related videos. Part of that is the result of not doing much worth capturing on video; part of it is from a studied effort not to put myself in front of the camera. As a t-shirt now says, "I'm glad I'm old enough that all the stupid stuff I did as a kid isn't on the internet." So if you read my data, you might get some insight into my interests and how I spend my time and money. Does that mean you "know" me? No. You don't know what I'm thinking right now. You don't know what my facial expressions are. You don't know how I react when I'm happy or hurt. You don't know who all my friends are or how they feel about me.
  
  It used to be that only movie stars had this problem--fans thinking that they "knew" the celebrity in question because they've read every tabloid and newspaper story about them. On the flip side of that, the celebrities themselves found themselves in a fishbowl, unable to find a moment to themselves to just be a regular person because any unguarded moment was captured by a voracious paparazzi.
  
  Now we're all paparazzi, if we choose (I usually don't because, quite frankly, what other people do with their personal lives is usually none of my damn business). Yet if our face and data are out there on the internet, we're "celebrities" whether we would wish it or not. This is a doubly problematic issue for introverts: we don't share ourselves as easily as extroverts. The assumption of the internet is that if you post anything "out there" (or someone posts something about you) people assume that they know you. Yet I am sometimes taken off guard when I talk to someone who has been following my doings on Facebook and comments on them when I see him or her in person. Mostly that's a function of forgetting what I've posted...but, again, the internet remembers.
  
  Right now it's just my words and occasionally my pictures out there. How will I behave if I think "the camera's on" every moment of my life. George Orwell considered a horrific form of constant surveillance in 1984, as I do. Yet in 2014, we're doing it to ourselves. I don't know why people worry about the NSA spying activities sometimes when so much of people's lives is being shared. Some people "ham it up" if they know a camera is on. Others, like my parents and me, become very still and very quiet.
• If the camera is on all the time, the extroverts will win. Introverts need time to compose arguments refuting bad things that are said about us or what we think. This is why many of us become writers--because we aren't as adept at the think-on-your-feet interactions required for public debate. We're self-conscious about being the center of attention. We have to expend a lot of energy to interact with lots of people at once, and that can impact how effective we are as public speakers--it's not the quality of our thoughts that is lacking but our confidence in speaking about those thoughts. We might have very well-thought-out reasons for doing or saying something, but sometimes it takes us a while to work out that reasoning--at which point the topic has changed. TV and the internet are all about the now.
  
  I might be wrong, but I think a lot of those people who think up great retorts an hour after the argument ends are introverts. I'm one of them, to be sure. And, again, video is all about what's happening now, in the moment. If it looks like an introvert is losing because they're pausing to think out their answer, the extrovert will be perceived as the winner. A brilliant response two hours later does the introvert no good--the extrovert will be perceived as the better debater and better speaker now. I can't help wondering if that's why televised presidential debates have shaped the presidents we have gotten over the past 50-odd years.
  
  To close this essay, I'm left to wonder how introverts will find advantages in a culture that is increasingly driven by the immediate, the verbal, and the "live action." I'm open to suggestions. Right now, however, I need to turn off this machine and go take a walk.

Introverts: The System Is Not Set Up for Us

If you're a follower of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicators (MBTI), you understand how some folks can be categorized by personality type:

E - Extroverted
I - Introverted
S - Sensing
N - iNtuitive
T - Thinking
F - Feeling
P - Perceiving
J - Judging

Most of the chatter I see on the internet is about the differences between introverts (of which I am one) and extroverts. But I believe, in my case, more than one factor plays into my occasional inability to enjoy the popular culture.

Extroversion vs. Introversion. No question that the American culture is extroverted. Do you love interacting with the crowd? Can you talk with anyone? Can you convince? Can you charm? If you answered yes to all of these, you're most likely going to succeed in this culture. Do crowds overwhelm or exhaust you? Are you uncomfortable talking with strangers? Do you trip over your tongue when trying to convince someone of your ideas? Do you lack an interest in winning people over? You might be a candidate for social ostracism...or a character spot on Big Bang Theory.

Sensing vs. Intuitive. America also has very much a sensing society: facts, dollars, sensations...if you work primarily with what's in front of your eyes, you're considered to have "common sense" and better able to address the questions of your peers on the spur of the moment. On the other hand, if you're more past- or future-minded or "inside your head," you're considered impractical, an egghead.

Thinking vs. Feeling. Our culture is more feeling than thinking (try getting into discussions about astronomy or philosophy with random strangers here!). Are you fond of tactfulness? In that case, you're less likely to get yourself into a social faux pas. Part of a democracy involves moderating opinions to ensure domestic tranquility, sometimes at the price strict truth--if such notions irritate you, well, you're likely to stand out in a crowd.

Perceiving vs. Judging. America is a pretty relaxed place on matters of protocol and timeliness. A "judging" person, in the MBTI world, means applying rules (arbitrary or not) to behavior. Perceiving people prefer to let things happen.

I'm about half there, most recently testing out as INFJ, Introverted-Intuitive-Feeling-Judging. So imagine a quiet guy who spends his time inside his head and is easily hurt or upset by the behavior or tardiness of others.

The Myers-Briggs traits are only part of the story. After living in Washington, DC, for three years, it became painfully clear to me that I was ill-fitted for life in our nation's capital. Do you crave power over others? Fame? If not, Washington and Hollywood are not for you. Do you want to experience everything from mountain climbing to extreme sports to "extreme eating?" No? I'm sorry, you won't fit the zeitgeist. Are you interested in making a fuss? Forcing your opinion on others? Do you want to share all of your personal secrets aloud? Live on the cutting edge of fashion? Own the newest, biggest, best, and most expensive of everything? If not, your social standing might suffer. Or so it seems to me.

It's a weird world out there, if your personality is not wired to appreciate it. Find your own way. It can be done.

The Introvert Writer (In)Action

A man I know saw me writing at my keyboard the other day, shaking his head in disbelief. "I don't know how you do it." I asked him what he meant. "I mean--just sit there, doing nothing. I couldn't stand it, I'd go nuts."

I explained, as politely as I could, "I'm a boring guy, I like the quiet."

Active, social people--extroverts, I love 'em--often do not understand introvert professions. Until the man showed up, I'd been sitting at the keyboard, yes (I do take walks on occasion to get away from the screen). But where was I going virtually with my machine?

• Cape Canaveral to RSVP for the SpaceX launch I'm attending Monday. 
• Philadelphia, to correspond with Darlene the Science Cheerleader, who will be at the launch, too, because of the SciCheer payload going up on the rocket. 
• New York, to review a website for which I might want to write.
• The International Space Station itself, to see what's being done with the aforementioned payload.

This doesn't just happen when I'm writing. I could be sitting down reading, or along a street, on a boardwalk, or on a bench at an airport or theme park, just sitting quietly and thinking. It's vexing behavior to talkers because they're processing everything aloud.

If someone asks me, I describe myself as "boring" because it takes too long to explain everything that's buzzing around in my head, and as I've learned through long, hard, and painful experience, everyone doesn't want to know everything I'm thinking. Let's take a typical example: taking a long walk through some of the more expensive neighborhoods around Southwest Orlando, where I'm currently living. I'll walk for anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple hours, outwardly just looking at things. If I see people, I might wave, but I keep walking. I come back sweaty, exhausted, and refreshed. So okay, what was I thinking about for two hours?

• Wondering how many square feet some of the lakeside mansions are, how people use the space, and how often.
• Speculating on how many people around said lake own a boat and how often they use them.
• Noting the varied architectures in the neighborhood, from Colonial to Italianate, Spanish, French, and Frank Lloyd Wright American. 
• I wonder what most of the people who own these homes do (or did) to earn their money to afford them.
• Noting that suburbs tend to spread outward as the "city" spreads, I wonder what some of these homes will look like subject to urban blight, vandalism, or urban blight (I am not a fan of cities).
• Counting the number of lights and security cameras around particular homes or walled complexes, wondering how much security they really buy and at what cost.
• Speculate on just how close we might be to a violent revolution against "the rich," on what side I'd stand in such a revolution, or whether I'd even have a choice in the matter (I'm house-sitting in one of these neighborhoods).
• Wondering why some rich neighborhoods decide to build sidewalks and some do not. If it's a neighborhood/volitional choice, I then wonder what statement the neighborhood is saying about pedestrians.
• Reminding myself that I need to buy new walking shoes soon.
• Wondering what the circling police helicopter was looking for--not me, fortunately.
• Thinking, not for the first time, that I really don't want a big house, expensive luxury car, or all the worries/responsibilities that go with them.
• Wondering what the zoning laws are like for "upscale" neighborhoods.
• Speculating on the diversity of the inhabitants' ethnicity, politics, and interests.
• Avoiding road kill, trash cans, yard waste, and animal scat.
• Tuning out my thoughts occasionally and just looking around or listening to iTunes.
• Alternating between "winging it" on which street to explore and checking my Maps app to see if I'm going the right direction.
• Wondering, not for the first time, why there area always so few residents visible. I walk past mile after mile of well-tended yards, and most of the vehicles I see belong to the paid landscaping people. 
• Wondering what the landscaping guys think about these neighborhoods.
• Piecing together a list of features I would want in a home if I had "more money." This is more than an intellectual exercise--my house-sitting days end in October. 
• Realizing, with this latest move (Illinois-Florida-Virginia-Alabama-Florida again), that I once again have the opportunity to reinvent myself and my life, and then trying to figure out what I might want to be.
• Wondering what rich neighborhoods on alien planets look like.
• Wondering just how legal it is for gated communities to keep pedestrians off the sidewalks.
• Checking the email on the phone and realizing that I have a few more task requests from Science Cheerleader.
• Trying to guess how useful or productive I'll be later in the day after wiping myself out from a two-hour walk.
• Planning where I'll go for my next walk.

If I had tried to talk aloud about all that, I would be exhausted. But walking time is loose-mind time. the brain can roam as the body roams. I enjoy the contemplation that can often only come from solitude or time away from other people. Yes, it's "unsocial," but if you read the list above, you can see how social my concerns and random ruminations are. I'm not thinking the thoughts of an alien (okay, at least not most of the time), but I'm turning over thoughts in my head that don't always make for typical or easy social conversation in a country dominated by sports, TV, and politics.

So there you have it: that's what "doing nothing" looks like. Are you sorry you asked now?

An Introvert in a Wired World

Introverts are often fond of peace and quiet: so fond, in fact, that unnecessary noise can be downright intrusive. My standard pet peeves along these lines are TVs in airports. You can't get away from them except in the restrooms and airline lounges, which are not cheap.

Some gas stations now have TVs with advertisements blaring while you're pumping gas. Here's a clue that they know the practice is annoying: the only way to turn off the noise is to buy some gasoline. THEN the mute button works. In Orwell's 1984, the only way to turn off the telescreens was to become a senior political official.

Another gripe, since I'm on a roll here: relentless "social networking." The Yelp app on my iPhone is a decent service for locating businesses in any city, along with customer reviews. But in addition (the programmers are never at rest), they have a contact/texting feature so that you can communicate with your friends while looking for a particular business. To which my introverted mind is asking, "Why?"

Maybe I'm simple minded here, but I really don't NEED that. Yelp is the electronic version of the Yellow Pages. All well and good, but if I'm looking for a business, that's all I want to do.

I've been fighting these types of battles with the internet for years now. One of my first introvert-based reactions occurred when I installed one of the instant messaging (IM) apps on my PC. The default setting for the app is as follows:

• It activates as soon as you turn on your computer.
• It tells all of your friends that you are online.

So what happened multiple times was that if I didn't set my status to "busy" soon enough, an extrovert friend would ping me and want to chat right away when all I wanted to do was check my email (an asynchronous method of communicating that I initiate). When it became clear that the messaging services--AOL and MSN--were not wired for my type of behavior, I shut off one and uninstalled the other. If I want to have a real-time chat, I'll call you and talk on the phone.

The bottom line is that the internet is reducing the number of places and ways for introverts to get the space and privacy we need to function well. There are ways to push back without depriving yourself of human contact or useful gadgets, but you have to work at it. And maybe it would help to find some programmers who are willing to design applications with introverts in mind.

Something to think about.

An Introvert in Charge

Progress on ISDC 2011 continues. The major moving pieces are in place, or nearly so. Lots of little details still to be worked out, but the level of heck is subsiding, and I'm actually looking forward to seeing some of this stuff unfold in person, if I'm given the time.

My friends are surprised at how well I'm handling the pre-conference stress. I tell them my supply of "gives-a-damn" has gotten too low to get really spun up. And really, I had a thought today that brought a smile to my face: one month from today, ISDC 2011 will be done, over, and I can go back to being Bart Leahy, English Major and Geek. I also find the folks who ask me, "What are you going to do with yourself?" amusing. I'm ready to respond, "Dude, who CARES?!?"

Conference management is teaching me a lot about myself:

• I'm not particularly patient when people don't do what I ask or what they tell me they're going to do (who is?).
• I "hire" people based on the quality of their work, but also on their ability to get along with others. That might sound like a "no duh" to some, but I'm surprised when people expect to be recruited and aren't. Ability or seniority don't wow me as much as ability + sociability.
• I am not a micromanager, but I do want to know what's going on. Situational awareness: good. Telling everyone how to do everything: suckitude.
• I will willingly take on the uglier tasks (apologies, large-scale organization, asking for money) and pitch in where needed.
• I will ask for advice and, more often than not, take it unless I think the advice crosses some internal business rules I've set up in my head.
• I am more comfortable if I have a known organization, budget, and set of rules-of-engagement.
• I prefer precedent to automatically making up rules on the spot. Part of this is a natural conservatism, part of it is that I hate reinventing the wheel unnecessarily, and part of it is an effort to maintain consistency within a group.
• I like brief (<1 hour), activity-focused meetings. If we have nothing further on an agenda, I end the meeting because I hate wasting time.
• I don't yell very often, but when I do, I scare people because I don't do it very often, and  it's usually because I've allowed a bunch of little things to pile up. It is also entirely possible that I will yell because people have ignored me when I was being nice, polite, reserved, or deferential.
• I don't like yelling.
• I really, Really, REALLY dislike being in charge. It's not that I dislike making decisions. I'll do that. I just prefer to be in charge of my own work, not others'. That, and I prefer not being the "front guy." I'm a very happy executive officer.
• If a decision is still pending, I will try to get as much advice and input as I can; however, once a decision has been made, I lack patience with people who offer criticism when they either provided no input into the decision or did not contribute to the result. My general attitude is, "If you didn't have to do it yourself, be thankful."
• I prefer for-profit to non-profit management because the carrots and sticks are more concrete: do a good job, get rewarded; do a bad job, get fired.
• I prefer requests--particularly distasteful ones--in writing. I'm also more of a learn-by-reading than learn-by-listening person.
• I manage others the way I prefer to be managed: minimal supervision, respect for one's abilities, expectations clearly communicated unless the situation is vague. I don't have a great deal of patience with people who want a great deal of attention, feedback, direction, or encouragement. This is a problem when dealing with extroverts.
• I am perfectly happy taking on a project, doing it well, and then dropping it. The idea of staying in one place and "empire building" bores me. I am motivated by interesting work, not seeing how many people I can get reporting to me.

So there it is. While this whole thing has made me a little nuts, my manager put "event management" on my list of competencies. Oy. And while I'm doing this ISDC thing and various background organizational duties for Science Cheerleader, that doesn't mean I want to be known as an "events guy." The INFJ still wants to be left to himself in a cubicle somewhere, writing stuff. And after all this is over, I'll be quite happy to do so again.