45

Once a year I get seriously self-indulgent on this blog and reflect on where I am in my life. There are worse things I could do with my time.

So: 45 years old today. I guess one of my b-day cards got it right: you know you're getting old when you start getting old-age jokes on your birthday cards. The grey hair remains grey--though, remarkably, it hasn't retreated too far up the forehead yet. The weight is down through a random, solemn decision to eat and treat myself better. I'm avoiding fried foods as a lifestyle choice. I'm snacking on things that are recognizably natural foods. I walk more.

And my oh my, is my professional life different from where it was a year ago! This time last year, I was still in Huntsville, Alabama, gainfully employed with a space/technology-focused small business. This year, courtesy of some government budget-cutting, I now AM a small business, back in the city I love, Orlando, Florida. I struggle here and there with finding business and paying bills, but thanks to the kindness of friends, I've been able to house-sit in genteel poverty, an arrangement that will continue through early November. I've had the breathing space to find and build clientele, for which I'm duly grateful.

Having come close to the bottom of my reserves in late spring, I'm now on a path to steady bill paying and taking steps toward improving my ability to expand my line of work (taking a grant-writing class, getting help from a coach, getting in touch with local friends to find new opportunities). Progress!

And here's the thing about freelancing that I'm coming to realize: I have no problem supporting customers, it's bosses I don't deal with well. I'm always willing to help or answer to a customer. A customer has come to me voluntarily, seeking my services. A manager, however benevolent, is there to tell me what to do. I don't mind that most of the time, it's a fact of life; however, the fewer layers I have above me, usually the better I'm able to function. I'm picking the type of work I do, the workload, and my hours of operation. I probably could and should have gone freelance earlier in life, but better late than never, I suppose.

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Do I have any deep, new wisdom at the ripe old age of 45? Just one thing: the most important thing I've learned to do this past year is be me happily, with all the good, bad, and weird that entails. I...

• Wear Hawaiian shirts and shorts for my standard "work clothes."
• Try to stick with aerospace work because that is what I love to do and am passionate about doing. 
• Take a lot of the low-key, low-visibility jobs with the Science Cheerleaders because I'm not particularly gung-ho to get on stage. 
• Can speak on stage (if I must) without much fear or trepidation. 
• Am blatantly geeky about some things, blandly conformist or mainstream about others. 
• Am mildly to terribly conceited, and a linguistic snob. 
• Am back to being a libertarian (with a conservative flavor).
• Have a taste for philosophy, science fiction, history, and terrible puns. 
• Cannot shut up on Facebook. 
• Walk around theme parks, play John Williams soundtracks, and light up aromatherapy candles to relax. 
• Read self-help books because I want to make myself a better person. 
• Live and travel alone because I recognize my social strengths and limitations. 
• Am an introvert with extroverted moments. 
• Have a list of things I want to do, and I take steps to make them happen. 
• Am not in any big rush to change the world or to boss around others. 
• Love Orlando's afternoon thunderstorms and lack of snow. 
• Don't share secrets, am not particularly interested in learning the secrets of others, nor do I wish to share whatever secrets I have with everyone I know. 

It's not a perfect life, by any wild stretch, but I prefer the problems I have to any others. My willingness to be honest with myself about myself allows me to be honest with others--as much as I think they can stand--and that's not so bad for 45. I'm pretty happy being Bart.

Again, better late than never.

Survivor--Huntsville Edition

Premise: Space advocates must hold onto their jobs, relationships, and collective sanity during a period of policy shifts, budget battles, media maneuvers, layoffs, outside activities, and personal crises.

So when we last left Your Humble Narrator, he was waiting out his 90-day extension with the Office of Strategic Analysis and Communication while trying to figure out what to do with his future. Well, as during the crisis in June, more money was found two days before the deadline, and I will continue to find myself employed after many others have been let go. I've been told I'm good through the end of October, with additional work TBD (another marvelous NASA acronym that means "to be determined," which I pronounce "tuh-Buh-DUH!").

I will not complain about the treatment I've received by my immediate employers or the management of Center. They've done their best under very difficult circumstances and, in my case, managed to keep me off the unemployment rolls and on the taxpayer side of $0 for four months longer than I probably had reason to expect. But this whole thing is mentally and emotionally draining. I have worked for a variety of employers, and the last two years here have been the most uncertain time I've ever experienced. Doc tells me this is normal, and that the relative calm we enjoyed 2006-2008 was anomalous in his experience. So one of several things could happen in a month:

• I continue to kick arse on my job (which I still like to do, gripes about instability nothwithstanding) and someone finds enough money to keep me on staff.
• Budgetary constraints prevent my customers, however happy with my work, from keeping me on--leading to another round of scrambling by me or my employer to find me work.
• A Miracle Happens and I find some sort of stable employment (no imminent threat of termination within a year) within the agency or not that keeps me fed and my bills paid through ISDC next May.

Is it a reality show or is it a soap opera...or do I repeat myself? In any case, the uncertainty continues, but I can still show up for work and draw a paycheck tomorrow, for which I am duly grateful. A big chunk of that good fortune was not due to anything I did.

Downsizing

Okay, so you want to know what it's like to work in the midst of a massive layoff? No, you really don't. It's not just you (or me) losing a job. It's your closest friends and coworkers. And the folks down the hall. And the bulk of the folks you work with or just see in the hallways on a daily basis--50, 70, 100, 200 people? And knowing that there are more job cuts coming. It sucks, thanks for asking.

I maintain my professionalism because I still love my job. And that's perhaps the maddening part of all of this. We're not being let go because we're slackers or bad workers. We're just not wanted. Or too expensive to keep on the payroll. Or whatever. They might or will call some folks back, but for the rest, it's a trip to the unemployment office and a lot of hard thinking ahead.

I'm bringing snacks and a positive attitude to work tomorrow because the alternatives aren't any prettier. Might as well keep that Disney smile on, right? Right.

One Gen Xer's View of the Transformation Discussion

I really appreciate being included in the ongoing discussion re: what to do with/about NASA. If I seem to lecture overmuch, I apologize. Part of that is just me, part of it is a habit I picked up from my grandparents, part of it is a sincere desire to see ambitious younger folks not make some of the same mistakes I made at their age. Allow me to ‘splain.

I came to NASA somewhat late in my career. I was 36 when I moved to Huntsville. Before that, I was a proposal writer at a defense contractor in Northern Virginia, and before that I spent 12 years at Walt Disney World, working in a variety of roles, including parks, resorts, IT, HR, and training. Most of the management stuff (e.g. change management) I picked up from reading books from the Disney University library or through writing papers for NASA. Other things, like PowerPoint, I’ve picked up on the job, through my off-duty reading, or in grad school (UCF, M.A. Technical Writing, ’02). I’ve spent my career as an hourly employee or an independent contributor, not as a manager; but I've been supporting managers, from the front line to the executive offices, so I have a pretty good handle on their wants/needs in the field of communication.

I think I learned more about interacting with the public—and management—at Disney than anywhere else. Much of what I learned came about by trying to do things “my way,” which is to say the wrong way, or in a way that usually resulted from arguments with my managers. I was a pain the neck as a 20-something employee and had more than a little impatience and “attitude.” I think it took a second verbal reprimand (guaranteeing that I wouldn’t transfer out of the job I had for at least another year) to realize that my confrontational approach with management was hurting, not helping my career.

If I wanted to stay with the company and improve my circumstances, I had to “play the game,” at least to some extent. That did not mean silencing my beliefs or sucking up to the boss. It did mean not rudely questioning the motives or intelligence of my managers every time decisions didn’t go my way; not demanding changes, but backing up my concerns with facts; and not expecting to advance simply on my own merits. If I wanted to “move up” in the organization, I had to admit (gulp) that my Silent Generation parents and Greatest Generation grandparents were right, and that I needed management coaching and support.

I am not saying Nick and the rest are doing what I did. Quite the contrary: they’ve been a lot more respectful and wise in their approach than I was. I was into my early 30s before I really understood how management thinks. From there, it was easier to know when it was appropriate to speak my mind and try to make changes and when it was better to shut up, wait, or accept things. Again, this was my particular problem, not necessarily others’.

There’s a saying I read recently that sums up my approach to my dispensing of unsolicited advice: “A smart man learns from his mistakes; a wise man learns from others’ mistakes.” So, again, I hope some of this commentary is of benefit, however tactlessly offered. Maybe more folks will learn from me what not to do. In any case, thanks again for reading. As new thoughts or approaches come to me, I’ll be sure to share them.

Coping with Negativity in the Workplace

Last night one of my Gen Y buddies called me for some advice. I was both flattered and amused. It's nice to think that I have now reached a point in my life and career where I'm considered a voice of wisdom and reason. On the other hand, that wisdom came as a result of the troubles I've caused myself through my smart mouth and bad judgment. There's a line out there somewhere that says, "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience is often the result of bad judgment."

Be that as it may, without naming names, I thought this might make a suitable--dare I say useful?--blogging topic. My friend's concern was with his coworkers. While he's a go-get-'em, true-believer type, he has landed his first real career experience in an environment with Grizzled Veterans. We all know the type:

• Their humor runs toward the pessimistic, depressing, dark, and sarcastic
• They've seen it all before
• They distrust management, even when they're trying to do good
• They bring down the attitudes of others around them through sheer contact
• The negative attitude never changes
• The common work of the group suffers
• Backstabbing is not uncommon
• They talk about (or actually are) polishing up their resumes for fear of job loss
• ...Yet somehow they keep showing up for work

I've been on the receiving and giving end of these behaviors, and I can say from personal experience that sometimes a lot of this talk is BS. Sometimes it really is just extra-dry or sharp humor. If may generalize a moment, former military people and engineers often have a bit of an edge to their senses of humor, either because they've seen human nature at its worst and had to fight it or because they've seen machinery at its worst and had to fix it. Sometimes it's worth it to ask some of these folks about their personal stories and find out what's really behind them. Inside a grumpy growler you might find a teddy bear; or you might find an even more vicious S.O.B.

Anyhow, my first recommendation is to do some environmental scanning and see if you can discover what's driving the cynicism.

• Is it centered around an individual? Some folks are attitudinal Typhoid Marys. Is it time for someone to be retired?
• Is it a local/group/team thing? Perhaps the dynamics or organization need to be addressed by changing work duties, physical environment (feng shui?), or reporting structure.
• Is it a work thing? If the project itself is what's causing the most heartache, perhaps intervention from higher up is required to identify where the project is flawed and what, if anything, can be done to put it back on track.
• Is it a political thing? Us vs. Them? Labor vs. Management? Contractor vs. Civil Servant? What is the source of the tension? How can it be resolved to both sides' satisfaction?

Now I admit these are the sorts of questions I would ask. I like to think of myself as a grownup with some sort of professional status and ability to influence the environment around me. Fifteen years ago (about where my friend is now), I had nowhere near the confidence or standing I do now, and my ability to control my environment--it seemed to me--was mostly beyond my control. The questions I would've asked 15 years ago would have been a bit more tactical: fight or flight? So here are the questions I posed to my friend, as they were more pertinent to his situation:

• Can you ignore it? This is the most socially acceptable and least confrontational course for a True Believer to take, as it would go against the grain to join in the bitching sessions.
• If you know it's one particular person causing the general malaise, you could go for the jugular and confront with that one person directly about their specific behavior, humorously or not, with or without a leader present, and find out what their beef is. This is my approach, and it does not always work. However, done politely, it's unlikely that you'll get fired for it.
• An alternative to this approach is to talk to your boss about what you've observed. Again, avoid name-calling, expressing vague feelings, or making vague accusations. You need to address specific behaviors, their effect upon you, and your (politely worded, of course) suggested course of action/resolution. Understand also that if you're more upset about how these people make you feel, you'll have less grounds to make a formal complaint than if their attitudes and behavior are interfering with your ability to do your job. A cry of hurt feelings could result in a "Grow up and get over it!" response. A specific complaint about incomplete or shoddy work will get a coworker's or manager's attention much more quickly.
• If your boss is one of the gripers--or worse, the instigator--you can always try to take the matter "upstairs," though you should make a good-faith effort to resolve such issues with the individuals concerned first. Going over the boss's head is generally considered a bad thing.

Okay, say you've exhausted all your avenues using the Conflict Resolution 101 Handbook. Then what? If the atmosphere is toxic, get out. Life is too short to be spent around unpleasant people, especially if you're doing work you love. Your options then become clear:

• Polish up your resume.
• Keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart. After all, you ARE happy to be there, and you'll be even happier once you're doing similar work in a workplace free of the toxicity.
• Talk to your friends in the same industry--inside and outside your company. Don't talk about The Evil lurking in your department. Emphasize the positive: "I'm thrilled to have a job in this business, but I'm not sure the particular job I'm in right now is a good fit for me. I'm good at X, Y, and Z, and I have a passion for J. Where do YOU think I could/should go?" This approach also works with (some, I must caution, not all) managers. If you've been busting your hump in your particular area and your manager has any sense, they will see some potential in you and perhaps refer you somewhere--inside the company or out. You could also skip the bit about your current job not being a good fit, and just start a subtle (or not-so-subtle) campaign to get moved to another area.
• Whatever you do, don't jump ship until you have the next job. And before you jump to the next job, have a good idea of what you want. There's no sense leaving the Titanic to hitch a ride on the Lusitania. (No, I'm not going to explain those references, just look 'em up!)

Seeking "what you want" should probably encompass more than just work content, but also workplace dynamics, management philosophy, autonomy, economic conditions (in the big wide world and at the particular company you're looking at), and daily work structure. By daily work structure, I mean things like, will you be on your own? Working in a small group? Working in a large group? You should be running toward something, not just away from something else.

And even after you've figured out as much of that as you can, have found a better job, and have taken the next step into another, hopefully saner place, you will still find friction. Human nature, despite what they're teaching in some schools nowadays, is neither easily changeable nor uniformly nice. Aside from a few folks like me who spent a few months in HR and have read the Conflict Resolution 101 Handbook, a lot of people will prefer to argue than listen to reason. Sometimes you just have to slug it out to get your way, and there are people who will appreciate you more for sticking to your guns than if you try to negotiate peace. It's not rational, but it is reality.

And that's about all the elder-brotherly advice I can offer this evening. Hopefully it will prove useful.

Why Space, Et Cetera

In my voluminous day-job reading today, I came across this article on "The Value of Space Exploration." This was a collection of answers by assorted bloggers on the topic. Being a part-time blogger myself, I thought I'd give it a whirl. Mind you, some of the reader responses to the bloggers were pretty darned depressing, but I need to think positively if I'm going to keep on this space-advocacy-as-a-lifestyle thing. (Yesterday, I briefly considered praying for intercession from St. Jude, the Patron Saint of Lost Causes.) So, here I go...

Why Human Beings Should Explore, Develop, and Settle the Solar System

The human willingness to create technology is based on several beliefs:

• That we are rational creatures.
• That we have and can cope with the environment around us.
• That we can make our temporal lives better here in this existence.
• That we can make tools or take actions that will make that better life possible.

This all sounds rather lofty for a bunch of geeky guys and gals who just want to get off the planet. However, there have been plenty of human philosophies throughout history that deny one, several, or all of the ideas above. The combination of these ideas has been made possible only in the West, through a combination of Greek science and Christian epistemology. Space exploration represents the ultimate expression of these ideals.

Now obviously Western beliefs in human rationality and free will are not unique, nor are they absolute requirements for putting human beings into space. Russian communists and Chinese communists after them have done so. Japanese collectivists and European socialists have launched satellites and planetary orbiters into space as well, as the laws of physics work for anyone, even Nazi fascists. Consider: if the United States had not won World War II, Wernher von Braun would have launched a German rocket and put the flag of the Third Reich on the Moon. That is reason enough to believe in a better, more uplifting philosophy.

What matters in the end is the type of society we, as humans, manage to put into space. Do we want a future where the government owns and controls everything, do we want a future that maximizes opportunity to the individual, or do we want a future that ensures the welfare of every individual? I believe, if the United States is to prove its worthiness to history, we must go farther, faster into space than any other society. The winner of the race will be seen as the wave of the future. If we allow the paranoid nationalism of China or Russia to beat us to the first Lunar settlement, or the regulation-bound European Union to control the resources of space, then we will be in no position to shape the future.

And here's the bottom line for yours truly: the only way I am going to make it into space is as a paying passenger on a commercial flight. If I wait until I have the credentials and NASA has the astronaut space to allow me aboard one of their rockets, I might as well wait for Doomsday as wait to get to the Moon. Only a free, rich society capable of supporting a middle-class-accessible space economy will enable an English major and "space fan" like me to get up there. And right now only America, for all its berserk politics and social upheavals, is likely to lead and create that society. And when all is said and done, I want to go!